I think we’re going to break up soon. The worst part is that I know when it happens, we won’t be friends or see each other ever again. It hurts so much because the past 6 months have been the happiest and saddest I’ve had in a long time. I’ve been the best me and the worst me and you saw it all. What do you do when the person you tell everything is gone?
I hope I’m wrong and you still love me as much as I love you.
Sometimes I wonder about how I’m handling my current relationship. Am I being too pushy, too distant, does he still like me? I’ve never had to feel this way about anyone before. This is the first guy I’ve genuinely felt something for, and I’m scared I’m too fucked up to keep it all together for the both of us.
My insecurities push me to some really dark places sometimes and dealing with it is hard. Even the best times of my day with him get mixed up in my head with confusion and distorted in the most perverse ways. I hate it.
For whatever reason I’m visiting my parents’ house with my manfriend. The drive from my apartment to their place is about four hours long so we are understandably dirty.
We decide to take a shower. It doesn’t get sexy unfortunately but I start to shower as he waits for me to finish, naked and sitting on the toilet seat.
My mother bursts through the bathroom door with wide eyes and a look of wondering - “Who is the naked white person sitting on my toilet?!” I didn’t know how to react so I shout from behind the shower curtain,
"No, it’s okay! I’m sleeping with him!" To which my manfriend adds,
"Yeah! I fuck your son!"
I’m so unsure of myself. I’m finding myself confused, alone, and apathetic to everything around me. It’s sadness and awareness of that sadness that makes it worse. I want to laugh, I want to smile, but I can’t bring myself to do it sincerely. Even if I go through the motions, I know in my heart that it is not how I feel. I’m trying to recall what used to make me happy, but the thought only makes me realize the absence of the one thing that has made me so happy about my life recently. I’m weak and selfish. I feel undesired and that I have nothing to offer the ones I love and who love me.
Feeling this way can’t be normal.